I was just getting ready for bed, and Don’t Stop Believin’ came on my iPod. And I realized that that song reminds me of so many people, from so many walks of life. From my school, from ST, from the night Obama was elected…ah, such an epic song. And I know that next year, when it comes on my iPod, I will be overcome with miss. I wish that were a noun. Sadness, nostalgia, love—they just don’t cut it.

But that doesn’t really have anything to do with anything. Today, my France program finally officially accepted me for next year. YAY. And they asked me to describe myself in 5 adjectives on my housing form. I’ve never been able to do those things, so I texted EJJ to ask her to come up with some for me.

The first was caring.

The second was hard-working.

The third was easy-going.

The fourth was empathetic.

And the fifth was driven.

I’d say those pretty much sum me up. :)

But let me go back to the first one: caring. It means so much to me that she put that first. That’s who I am, isn’t it? Caring. I’ve tried so hard not to care, to let T & J go, to let B go. But mostly, to let T & J go. I’ve let T go. And right now, I’m coming up with every excuse to not care about J. Or rather, not care about the fact that our friendship lies in ruins. Pretty much the Roman Forum, but not as well preserved.

You see, I let T go, but I still care about her. I care about her immensely. I check her blog multiple times a day. I care about her, but I thank goodness I’m not friends with her. There are some aspects of her I miss, and it scares me and weirds me out that we’re not watching each other grow anymore, that we don’t have each other anymore. But ultimately, I thank goodness that we’re not friends anymore, because our friendship was ruining who I was, who I wanted to be, and most of all, my self-confidence in myself. I feel like she, of all people, would understand that.

But J…J, I don’t know. I try so hard not to care. Sometimes I believe that I don’t. But I think deep down I do. I’ve put on this façade for so long that I don’t care, that it means nothing to me now, that all we have is nothing, that all we have in common is the past, that we make each other unhappy, and more often than not, I believe that I’m right.

Then why does writing that make me cry? I don’t want to ruin anything. But at the same time, I am, just by thinking those thoughts. Or rather, by continuing to think those thoughts. Right?

I’ve never had a problem caring about T & J. After everything, I still care about them so much. I think about them all the time. They’re always first in my mind, even if my actions speak otherwise.

My friends at school….sometimes I think I take them for granted. I hope I don’t. I think T took me for granted, and look what happened. I up and left. Said No thanks, no more, I’ve had enough. I hope they don’t do the same to me. I care about them. I do. I just have trouble caring about them as much as I care about T & J, even though we’re not friends anymore. I wish I didn’t. I don’t know why this is the way it is.

So you see, it means a lot to me that EJJ said that I was caring. It means that she sees it. They see it.

I’ve tried to become a stone, the last few months. To not let friends affect me. To not let people affect me. To make myself happy. To only let myself make myself happy. And hey, that’s worked, I guess, but tonight, EJJ reminded me of whom I am, and who I can’t give up because of two people who I used to think I knew.

What is friendship? Do people really ever know each other? I’m still asking myself these questions. I still don’t know the answer.

But I remember who I am, who I need to be.

And I know now that I need to start caring about repairing my friendship with J, so that it becomes more like modern-day Rome. It was great. If it can still be great, then it’s worth my time and my energy, right?

….Or maybe not. I mean, I have tried not to care about our friendship for so long that maybe I just don’t care anymore. Quite possible. I wish this were easier to figure out.